a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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