even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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