in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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