We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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