somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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