Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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