What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
