I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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