It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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