Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
