Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
