Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
