8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
