im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Four minutes until I can fart!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
