Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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