So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
