Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
