Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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