if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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