She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
