Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
