my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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