What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
