I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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