the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
