I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
