Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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