I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
