I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
