I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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