I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
