just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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