Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
