I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
