I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
