Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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