Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
