i think i have two assholes
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
