We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
