Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
