my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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