I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
