I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
