I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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