Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
time to smoke my breakfast
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
