i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
