That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
