she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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