and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
