so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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