I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
it glows. i had to have it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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