I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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