I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
