I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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