At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
