I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
