he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
